John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
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Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
They must have gotten it to go.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
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PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.