blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
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her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]