ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
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It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
What the hell happened in there??
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *