“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
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my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
This meeting could have been a cake
My ideal weight is five million dollars
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.