I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
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Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”