Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
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Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒