Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
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Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Phonetics
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.