At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
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FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.