Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
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i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*