“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
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I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
you stereotypes are all alike
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.