If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
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No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm