A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
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[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I triple waxed for this?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house