I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
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Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩