To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
You Might Also Like
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Very problematic
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
The Book. The Movie.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough