God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
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How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?