“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
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People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?