Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
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I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Always
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.