Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
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Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
May your day taste like creamy soup.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits