I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
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Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.