if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
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My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Dance like you’re not the father
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Isn’t
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.