I have no idea what she’s talking about.
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Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.