When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
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Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.