Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
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Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to