Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
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*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?