It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
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Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.