once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
You Might Also Like
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
so this horse walks into a bar
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.