*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
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My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
They grow up so quick
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.