I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
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[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
BETRAYAL
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.