me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
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Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
From Facebook just now…
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.