doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Isn’t