cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
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when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
work smarter, not harder
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
*seductively eats two tums*
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die