Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
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I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Noah
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Breakfast for Stoners:
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]