Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
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I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
How do you milk an almond?
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.