The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
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Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Lmao the reply
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.