bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
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“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
How actors in movies eat their food
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*