My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
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I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!