Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
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*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.