[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
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We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?