[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
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i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
seems fine
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Finally!
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?