Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
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While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Truth
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I’m too immature for adultery.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
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Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.