The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
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*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
True
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Haha good job!!
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
12653.
Saw online –
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air