Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
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“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I have obtained a hat
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.