When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
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Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.