PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
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Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!