A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
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Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?