Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
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*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now