Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
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As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.