My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
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[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
🤣🤣
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.