Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
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*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
I’m about to risk it all
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it