“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
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I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”